The thing is that I am late
and that lateness is causing havoc in my mind
that lateness is causing havoc in my body.
You say that you are sorry
like you genuinely regret the inconvenience caused
But I don’t need your damn apology
I need your support
I need your presence
Your compassion
that you once so passionately spoke about.

*

While you run around carefree
plan your exciting life ahead
My life’s been paused
feeling stupid
embarrassed
guilty
helpless
facing the consequences
of those fleeting moments of passion
that we shared together.

*

But now it’s just me
who stands nervously inside the court
Awaiting
moral, ethical, cultural, social, political, judicial judgement
Too scared to say a word
even to the people who love me the most
Too paranoid to think straight
Too emotional to process
That the verdict is already out
That I am plain
outright
stupid
to be a woman
and probably soon-to-be a ‘killer’
desperately trying to save her own life.

*

Unless, of course
I get those damn periods
which I generally hate
but now that I am late
I’d love it to meet me
greet me
with its glorious bloody presence
even though I don’t particularly enjoy the cramps
and the mood swings
it brings
I look forward to embracing it all
awaiting my uterus to make that final call
to shed itself
and relieve me from my misery.

*

I tell myself that
I will get through this somehow
whatever it may come to
but why
why is it that the responsibility
to bitterly atone
is solely on me and me alone?
men will be men
and meanwhile I?
I am a criminal.
Nothing less but probably everything more.

**