Disclaimer; It doesn’t mean I am suicidal. Please. I can’t kill an ant.

It’s just that I have been reading about Robin Williams and Kurt Cobain and some other famous dead celebrities who couldn’t make it out of depression and decided to end their misery once for all.

Though I can’t tell what is it to be that depressed but you don’t need to know rocket science to deduce that it must feel terrible. I’ve had on the other hand, my moments of despair ,of course, where I am actually like “Kill me now” (Somebody please?) but then that goes away once the night sets in and then there is sudden transformation to calmness and beauty of dark and illusion of a better tomorrow that makes me forget everything and  I find myself experiencing happiness and contentment.

Nevertheless, that didn’t stop me from googling how to commit suicide. I even got to pick my favorite;

The best way to kill yourself is Carbon monoxide poisoning.

Fun Fact#1; Who died this way?

Sylvia Plath.

The famous writer, sealed herself in kitchen, inserted her head in the oven and died while her children were sleeping in other room.

The thing is actually  it annoys me that some people get to throw away their lives so easily and on the other hand there are some people who fight their way out until their last breath but they are shown no mercy no matter how strong they have been, how hard they have wished for just one other chance to live and then they die.

It’s just sad.

But then depression that fatal is another kind of disease.The fact that you are just physically sound isn’t a good enough reason to live.

So, okay, nature has weird rules.

Anyway, I have googled the methods of Suicide. How vulnerable am I? And is it some sign that my family should take seriously. Or you as a reader, should you freak out?

No, Not in this case.

The fact that I am writing a blog post on it just shows how non-depressed I am. The sole reason that I googled it was because I was curious.

I am sure many of you must have done that as well. Though I can’t tell if that was out of depression or curiosity.

If former then, dude, please don’t die.

If latter, welcome to the club buddy!

The funny part of doing search on suicide is that it’s ironical.

The chances are quite high that you won’t commit suicide after all even after knowing all the methods. Most of the sites that provide you with the answers also offer you the antidote.

And when you are really depressed then I am sure you won’t be googling about suicide but most probably doing any of these:

a) hang from the ceiling fan

b) jump off a building

c) consume a lot sleeping pills.

d) slit your wrists.

(These conventional methods never go out of fashion even if they are so painful. And they are the first ones to pop in your head solely because you knew these even as a kid).

So, by doing a search on how to commit suicide you are actually doing something opposite: driving your depression away. You are distracting yourself.

So, the major effect of all this shit is that you are not depressed anymore. And your curiosity has been quenched. And in my case, you have procrastinated well as well.

Now, coming to carbon Monoxide poisoning and why is it my favorite.

CO poisoning isn’t painful. Till the very end your body is in illusion that it is taking up oxygen so it doesn’t resist. When your body does realize that it has been tricked, it’s too late and you die with a kind of calmness on your face.

The prospect of dying is something that scares shit out of me in reality. I am too young and there are a lot of things to be done. Places to travel. Blogs to write. Songs to listen to. Books to read. Boys to fall in love with. Though I sometimes do find myself wondering what is the purpose of doing all this. I mean universe is so huge and you are so small. And even if you die what difference does that make?

But.

But.

If it doesn’t make a difference whether you live or die, so wouldn’t you rather choose to live?  I mean dying is not cool. Living is. Even if it is utterly unimportant. There are some things you like to do. Do you ever ask yourself what good does it do? You just do it. Same goes with life. You just live it. And you live it well.

If you’ve voted on the third option and if you need someone to talk to, then you know, you can always contact me or someone you are comfortable with.