Claustrophobia

Author’s stupid note ( or rather a trailer of what the poem that follows below is all about) :

There’s a line in Kane and Abel (the famous novel by Jefferey Archer) that I find really interesting; Sometimes it’s an advantage to be disadvantaged.
So,does this line also imply that sometimes it’s a disadvantage to be advantaged?

My answer:-

My six by six feet life,
the lines I wouldn’t cross,
the space confined by the mirrors…
dripping with advantages,
I wonder if I even deserve it, I wail at it’s irrelevance,
Sometimes I am envious of a heart with a hole, or a dysfunctional brain;
Such a shame is this perfect life, such a waste is it’s existence!

Guilt engulfs me in its suffocating arms, these foolish foolish words…
“Take that back! Take that back!” its voice resonates unheard.

My six by six feet life,
a blade or hammer or a knife,
An odd series of optimistic roles are assigned here,
Especially with the cynic voice complaining inside,
I guess I can rip myself out of this beloved trap,
maybe break myself through,
Sometimes I am glad that I am mortal, for immortality is a curse…
You will breath and breath and breath and one day you will want yourself to submerge!

Guilt engulfs me in its suffocating arms, these foolish foolish words…
“Take that back! Take that back!” its voice resonates unheard.

My six by six feet life;
The air inside is toxic,
the nerve is less and dreams are big
And most of the time, I am cursing the bricks…
What else to do I am hitting them all,
Again and again… never wanting to cease,
Blast!
At last,the walls explode!
Finding sudden enthusiasm and a hope for freedom,
I fly away, every piece of mine runs in different dimensions,
It’s all fallen down, the voice has fallen mute,
Peace and calmness,
Happiness and hues,
And along comes running the same old blues…

Here’s my new six by six feet life,
Such a shame is this depressing world…

“Take that back! Take that back!” the voice resonates unheard.

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Hasta la vista Losers!

So, it has finally happened. The thing that I have been waiting for since the last four years is right there in the palm of my hands ready to be pocketed. Thing I have hated from the bottom of my heart is ultimately vanishing. And all I am going to be left with are some memories which are going to grow fewer and more rare with each passing day. Isn’t it amazing?

Isn’t it?

No?

NO?

It’s not fair how the most awaited thing of your life ends up disappointing you. While my heart should have been jumping up and down, whooping with ecstasy, it is growing heavier with every breath I take. I don’t get it. The insides of my heart are becoming more or less like a dam blocking the whole reservoir of emotions from flooding my entire body. It’s raining and raining and I know someday, I am going to drown in this inevitable inundation of feelings.

What am I going to miss?

Friends? Classes? Funny teaching assistants?  Practical labs? Canteen?  So much vella time? What?

It’s not done brain!  I thought we agreed that none of us are going to grow sentimental about this. I thought we had a deal. Why the fuck are you breaking it?

But don’t you see, turquoise ink!” says my brain in an attempt to defend himself, “that in these years of stagnancy, ironically, so many things have changed! Look at you! Look at me! Look at the memories we have made! I am not doing this intentionally! Damn it! I am not deceiving you! I am just so helpless.

Huh. Traitor.

ihateyou

What do I say? What do I write?

I am tired. I am tired. I am tired of growing and I want to revert it back. I am tired of struggling to swim across my emotions. I am tired of happiness. I am tired of hope. And I am tired of anticipating the unknown. You wanted my naked emotions? Here they are! I am scared shitless. And I want it all to stop. You wanted me to be despondent. Look here I am heart! Morose. Pessimistic. Hopeless. In a weird state of mind where the right words are just not coming out.

How do I say how do I feel?  Sadness has always rendered me speechless and in an acute awareness of the fact that my vocabulary isn’t good.

One might expect me to write an ode to these four years. But I can’t do it. There is no ode. There is no symphony. There are no lyrics or music.  All I have is an ugly mixture of  chaos, confusion, disappointment, anxiety, panic attacks, happiness, late night rainfalls of tears, lots of laughter, lots of irrelevant knowledge, a little of relevant knowledge, infinite sleepless nights, loads of hung-over afternoons, memories of unplanned trips, memories of planned trips, some unforgettable dialogues, some unforgettable quotes from late night conversations, the pleasure of watching some of  the most amazing movies for the first time, some deeply embedded tunes of most beautiful songs, some of the funniest live actions, awareness of individualism,  starvation for freedom, haunting questions, philosophical discussions, falling in love, getting heartbroken, realizing the dreams, un-realizing the dreams, change of perception, consistency of soul, realization of friendship, realization of connection, anger outbursts, a little of regret, a little of hope, a little of fear and a lot of lessons that I am not even aware that I have learnt. I have found beauty in the ugliness. How do I describe it all in a bunch of fucking rhyming words?

How do I do it?

Self absorbed as I am, I think I am sinking in the pool of my own reflections. While I have tried my best to spread the happiness around me wherever I am, what have I done to myself?  While I have been such a loud advocate of “living in the moment” kind of lifestyle, why am I lagging behind the time? While I have such casually cried out loud “no regrets”, what have I been repenting?

So detached and yet so adhered.

And here I thought college was just about some fun studying, a bit of partying and eventual career building. Huh! I don’t need to know how wrong I had been.

This could have been a gratitude letter for my friends. But they already know that I am thankful to them. They already know that I love them. Fuck gratitude letter. Fuck “I am going to miss these days” pieces of sentimental crap. You say “These were the best days you were ever going to have” So what are you implying?  I should just die now? Since the best is over?  What we ignore about the “end” is that though it is one distasteful concoction of lasts, it is also a gateway to the more exciting blend of “firsts”.

“But still”, you would argue, “it is a little sad, don’t you think?” Well, of course it is! I am going to miss it, yes. The people I have met, the things I have done.  It’s been marvelous.We have all touched each other’s lives in such a delicately beautiful manner that it’s really hard to believe these connections exist for real.I could have made this all about them but I don’t want to ignore this person I know. I do not want her to make false assumption that her life is over. And I am extremely sensitive about her because I know. I know how hard it is for her to walk through life. I know how she struggles. I know how things haven’t been perfect for her, and that’s why this is my earnest effort to let her know that it is okay. And if there is nobody else to tell you this, then you should know that I am here, inside your fucking head to tell you that you are one crazy person to live with but dude! I am stuck with you so I am going to be there for you anyway. And whenever you are going to shatter apart into million pieces again, I will pick each one of them every time and you would never be alone even if you are alone.

There!  That is the college ending gift for you, turquoise ink. You- yourself. Be whoever you want to be.

You fear that you are going to screw up big time with this big responsibility. Then, be it. Screw it all up. I don’t care. We will find something amazing anyway.

Don’t have faith; don’t have hope, fuck it. Don’t have anything. Be as much as the sentimental assholic drama queen as you can be, but I am going to live with you and pick you up and drag you to our land of dreams anyway.

Four years, and I realize that I am not an engineer after all. But instead I have realized that I am an individual. And considering the fact that some people don’t get that for their whole lives, I think I have done pretty good.

Signing off as self absorbed as I can be, getting sentimental for all the peculiar reasons, bidding adieu to college yelling – Ghanta engineering!
Hasta La vista Losers!

Love and lots of Gandugiri,
Theturquoiseink

Yellow bird

 

Oh! Bird! Oh! Yellow bird! To where did you fly?

Gliding through the air, swimming across the sky?

Would we meet again? Maybe chat a little?

Share the stories of clouds and how in sky they lay littered?

I’ll tell you the tales of chaos, mess and confusion,

Greed, pleasure, money, loneliness and seclusion…

Of happiness and sorrows,

Useless hopes of better tomorrows,

Of unanswered questions and unexplained meaning

of living, dying and dreaming.

 

Oh! Bird! Oh! yellow bird! Where have you gone?

Come back! Maybe chat a little? I sit here sad and torn.

 

A better tomorrow ( chapter-II)

I wake up  to another day,

It is nothing like the past,

I tell myself  yet again,

the delusion is vast.

The mirror smirks,”It’s you again.Isn’t it time that you go?”

“How many times will I see you again and tell you exactly so?”

Of course, if given a chance,

I would lend myself and borrow,

But with whom I do wonder,with whom I ask again!

Who do you think in here, O mirror, has a better tomorrow?

You can read the first part here; A better tomorrow

 

 

 

So, you have googled how to commit suicide…

Disclaimer; It doesn’t mean I am suicidal. Please. I can’t kill an ant.

It’s just that I have been reading about Robin Williams and Kurt Cobain and some other famous dead celebrities who couldn’t make it out of depression and decided to end their misery once for all.

Though I can’t tell what is it to be that depressed but you don’t need to know rocket science to deduce that it must feel terrible. I’ve had on the other hand, my moments of despair ,of course, where I am actually like “Kill me now” (Somebody please?) but then that goes away once the night sets in and then there is sudden transformation to calmness and beauty of dark and illusion of a better tomorrow that makes me forget everything and  I find myself experiencing happiness and contentment.

Nevertheless, that didn’t stop me from googling how to commit suicide. I even got to pick my favorite;

The best way to kill yourself is Carbon monoxide poisoning.

Fun Fact#1; Who died this way?

Sylvia Plath.

The famous writer, sealed herself in kitchen, inserted her head in the oven and died while her children were sleeping in other room.

The thing is actually  it annoys me that some people get to throw away their lives so easily and on the other hand there are some people who fight their way out until their last breath but they are shown no mercy no matter how strong they have been, how hard they have wished for just one other chance to live and then they die.

It’s just sad.

But then depression that fatal is another kind of disease.The fact that you are just physically sound isn’t a good enough reason to live.

So, okay, nature has weird rules.

Anyway, I have googled the methods of Suicide. How vulnerable am I? And is it some sign that my family should take seriously. Or you as a reader, should you freak out?

No, Not in this case.

The fact that I am writing a blog post on it just shows how non-depressed I am. The sole reason that I googled it was because I was curious.

I am sure many of you must have done that as well. Though I can’t tell if that was out of depression or curiosity.

If former then, dude, please don’t die.

If latter, welcome to the club buddy!

The funny part of doing search on suicide is that it’s ironical.

The chances are quite high that you won’t commit suicide after all even after knowing all the methods. Most of the sites that provide you with the answers also offer you the antidote.

And when you are really depressed then I am sure you won’t be googling about suicide but most probably doing any of these:

a) hang from the ceiling fan

b) jump off a building

c) consume a lot sleeping pills.

d) slit your wrists.

(These conventional methods never go out of fashion even if they are so painful. And they are the first ones to pop in your head solely because you knew these even as a kid).

So, by doing a search on how to commit suicide you are actually doing something opposite: driving your depression away. You are distracting yourself.

So, the major effect of all this shit is that you are not depressed anymore. And your curiosity has been quenched. And in my case, you have procrastinated well as well.

Now, coming to carbon Monoxide poisoning and why is it my favorite.

CO poisoning isn’t painful. Till the very end your body is in illusion that it is taking up oxygen so it doesn’t resist. When your body does realize that it has been tricked, it’s too late and you die with a kind of calmness on your face.

The prospect of dying is something that scares shit out of me in reality. I am too young and there are a lot of things to be done. Places to travel. Blogs to write. Songs to listen to. Books to read. Boys to fall in love with. Though I sometimes do find myself wondering what is the purpose of doing all this. I mean universe is so huge and you are so small. And even if you die what difference does that make?

But.

But.

If it doesn’t make a difference whether you live or die, so wouldn’t you rather choose to live?  I mean dying is not cool. Living is. Even if it is utterly unimportant. There are some things you like to do. Do you ever ask yourself what good does it do? You just do it. Same goes with life. You just live it. And you live it well.

If you’ve voted on the third option and if you need someone to talk to, then you know, you can always contact me or someone you are comfortable with.

The art of procrastination-II

So, you are probably reading this as an excuse to not to do what you are really supposed to do. But you made a good decision. Because today we are going to learn how to put this habit to our advantage.

In my last article I mainly talked about how procrastination is not the nuclear bomb you think it to be but it’s merely a bomb you use during Diwali. It might have a life changing effect but that effect may not be adverse. That effect could be marvelous!

Before we move on any further I am about to go into my research.

Re-whaaaaa..

whaaat

Well, I know it’s hard to believe but I did a little research on procrastination while I was procrastinating.

(Putting my habit to my advantage like I said.)

I was trying to find the answer of why I procrastinate. And I came across many general reasons for why people procrastinate but the answer to why I procrastinate goes something like this-

Three reasons mainly-

  • I am a perfectionist!

How so?

I want things to be so perfect, so good from the very beginning that I am not able to begin at all.

Say you want to read a book..

Now you want perfect conditions.

You want a big window..

You want mountains and waterfalls that you could stare at from your big window.

You want a fluffy and heavenly soft pillow to support your spine as you gaze the big mountains and waterfalls from your big beautiful window.

You want to sip on a delicious hot coffee as you read the book sitting with heavenly soft pillow and staring at the big mountains and the waterfalls from your big beautiful window.

Result: You never read,

I admit that I am a hopeless perfectionist.( But I am working on it )

  • Lack of self confidence.

The thing that I am supposed to do, I am not going to be able to do anyway. So why bother doing.

Psychology is simple.

But the question is -why am I never confident?

Because I am in vicious cycle.

At first I try doing something.

I fail. I am not up to the mark.

I am like- Okay! I will try better next time.

I try to try but being a procrastinator I am, my trying to make an effort prove worthless.

And I fail again.

I want to be good. I want to try harder. But now I believe that it’s of no use.

I procrastinate. I fail. So, I am less confident. So, I procrastinate. So, I fail. So, I am lesser confident. Therefore, I procrastinate. And then I fail. And hence I am least confident. So, I procrastinate. Then, I fail. Now, I am less than least confident.

See? Cycle never ends.

 

  • Lack of passion.

I don’t like doing what I am supposed to do. So, I don’t do it.

Why am I not passionate?

Because I am confused. I am trying to do what I am supposed to do. Clearly, I don’t do it because I don’t want to do it. But I still want myself to want to do it because I don’t know what else to do.

The sentence is complex but psychology is simple.

I am not passionate about electrical engineering. So, I never touch the book.

I love reading novels. I do touch them. A lot.

 

I am not confident. I am not passionate. Where the hell is my life going?

Towards procrastination.

 

Procrastination; befriending the naïve devil.

 

I know I won’t be able to read power system tonight because I just can’t do it. I am likely to procrastinate and I can’t stop it.

SO, what should I do?

I could watch a movie. I could talk with walls. I could speculate jumping out of the window.

But no, I decide to write.

I didn’t want to write. But somehow I bring myself to do it. Yeah… I waste some time along with it. But I come down to writing. I make myself come down to writing.

I have found a way to be more productive while I am procrastinating. I have to prepare for my exams, for job interviews for god knows what not. I am not doing any of those but I am procrastinating while I am writing on procrastination like an idiot.

This is the art of procrastination.

Find out your real passion. Find your hobby about which you are so passionate, so passionate, so so passionate that even you yourself can’t bring yourself to not to do it.

You like reading books. No.

Do you LOVE reading books?

Then, read books! Read websites. Build economy. World needs a lot of readers.

The more the better.

You like watching movies. Good. Watch.

Watch in different languages. Watch documentaries. Watch all types of movies. Hold a record. You will have more knowledge in world than anyone else. (No, book readers will probably beat you.)

You like painting. Go ahead do it.

DO what you want to do. Don’t misuse your time “trying to do what you are supposed to do” and then end up doing nothing. You are trying to study but you end up fantasizing about you and Brad Pitt alone doing guchi goo on a secluded island. That’s a marvelous dream but it’s an ultimate misuse of time. Waste your time instead. Do what you are not supposed to. Openly. That’s the art of procrastination.

Mastering your other skills while you are trying to master one.

That’s the art of procrastination.

So, if you are procrastinator, no not just a procrastinator, a good *structured procrastinator do you know how much gifted you are?

You get to master so many skills say, *secondary skills at the same time! Secondary or not.. Skills are always important.

(Readers! The asterisk thingy simply mean that the terms are better explained in the glossary below.

I have included a glossary in my post! I am being lame but I just gotta do it- self five!)

self five(pointno4)

So, don’t drown yourself in depression.

Stop it. You are sad? You are miserable? Shut up. That’s bullshit and you know it.

Don’t promise yourself that you won’t procrastinate anymore. Because again that’s bullshit and you know it. It’s your initial phase of procrastination.

What you can instead do is to procrastinate.

But procrastinate better.

And that’s the art of procrastination.

Signing off with hope to improve my life,

Theturquoiseink

 

P.S. Okay, this is sorta out of the world thingy-

Like what you read? You have got curious? Google this man; John Perry. He is my hero. ❤ And that’s the guy I stole the name of this post from.

 

Glossary:

  • Structured procrastination- I think John Perry can explain you better. http://www.structuredprocrastination.com/
  • Secondary skills- the skills that you never thought you could build and though you were passionate about them but you never gave a shit before)

 

 

 

 

 

The art of procrastination

There are many things that exist in my priority lists almost every day. Completing assignments, reading ‘word power made easy’, going through the notes of power system analysis and reading the chapter from the textbook ( Pointers! Pointers! You need to improve those petty little single digit horrible things!) Et cetera, et cetera. And somewhere down my lists, not even mentioned in words, there exists a very insignificant task. And I end up doing exactly that throughout the day. Why?

Why do I do this every single time?

Well, here’s why: I procrastinate. I prefer sharpening pencils rather than making notes with them. I prefer going out to buy mechanical pencils if sharpening the pencils are my top priority tasks. I would type an essay on why 0.5mm pencil lead sucks if writing with mechanical pencil is the most important task I need to do. And I will read a novel if I am asked to write an essay. And I will watch a movie if I am asked to read a novel. I will sleep if I am asked to watch a movie. But I would never ever do what needs to be done. If your life is going along the same track, then hi-five! Bud! We have got something in common. We are “procrastinanians”. We worship the goddess of procrastination.

But being the way we are is not easy. Remember those depression and self detesting attacks?

Why did I ever ever change my religion to procrastinism. This sucks! My life sucks! OMG! Get me cyanide, will you? Or wait, which is the tallest building in the city? God, I hate my life! I hate myself!

Sometimes these attacks are so severe that I really begin to wonder if I need some serious strong anti-depressant medicines. But the fact is – this depression is unnecessary. Yes, if I were a non-procrastinator perhaps my life would have been better. But twenty years of my life have made me realize that non-procrastinators are especially designed in a separate lab of heaven where most brilliant and geeky of gods and goddesses design the brain of human together. Not everybody gets to be product of that lab. It is reserved for special ones. And I am not the special one. I was genetically engineered to be a procrastinator in a much bigger and less exclusive lab.

But here’s another fact for all the depressed ones out there, this situation is not as incorrigible as you think. Procrastination is not that unproductive as you believe it to be. I am writing this article during my Power electronics lecture. And I don’t think I am doing something for which I should jump off a building. If I had not been a procrastinator I would have never done this. And this article would never have come into existence. Did I do something unproductive? No. I did something that was not important according to me. But I had to get this article done. And I am getting it done. God bless procrastination. I write for my blogs during my labs. I have completed many novels a day before exam. This is not un-productivity. This is running away (which is,well, not something to be proud of. But I don’t loathe myself for doing that). I do not mean to say it’s good. My point is- it’s not that bad. It would not fetch you pointers. It would not get you placed in Microsoft. I agree. But many times it makes you do things that you would have never done. In some cases it even makes you creative, or increase your general knowledge (I have spent infinite hours stumbling upon websites during exams). I do not think that it deserves to be the reason one should scold oneself to death. Procrastination doesn’t really mean sitting idle (being a “vegetable” is the appropriate term for that), it means doing less important things rather than the high priority tasks. That’s not good. But that’s not bad.

So, do try not to procrastinate much. It’s an old saying, and there is some sense and good advice in that. And if you have any success in doing that please let me know how you did it. (I beg you. I do need some help). But meanwhile, in case, you fail, do remember; life is still good. It’s cool. Light hai.