Inspiration, philosophy, Poetry

I don’t miss home,

Of course I don’t miss home,
Though it’s cold out here but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I miss the warmth.
Of course I don’t miss home,
Yes, I confess that the green bed of my dorm,
The matching duvets and pillows aren’t as somniferous as the violet hues of my room,
The humongous pin board bears such a vast scope for creativity,
But I admit it seems that I have left it all behind on the walls of a small place that I am not supposed to think much about.
But still I don’t miss home,
Not when I look through my tiny window and remember how large it used to be.
I don’t miss home,
I am too happy to bear such delusions,
After all the beauty of my surroundings hasn’t even sunk in,
The notion that I might be sharing same time and same space as this place still lies dangling as a mad hypothesis,
I haven’t properly forgotten the crowds, the dust, the hot weather of the past,
I haven’t even forgotten the sweat, the noise, the boredom, the four walls confining my life,
I haven’t forgotten that the food wasn’t always this tasteless,
I haven’t forgotten that the water used to cheaper than alcohol,
I haven’t forgotten about the time I had to waste,
I haven’t forgotten the anticipation, the butterflies, the apprehensions,
Regarding what that could now be called my present,
I haven’t forgotten much,
Despite being here,
I haven’t forgotten anything at all.
Though the dates in my calendar keeps rapidly changing,
Perhaps I can sit here listening to the same downtrodden playlist,
With my pen and a few things in my head to reminisce,
I can sit here for eternity or so it seems,
I can sit here pretending that the time is frozen.
So I don’t miss home.
I don’t miss it at all.
When I wake up tomorrow,
It would still be incredibly hard to believe
That I am here
Miles away,
In a strange beautiful land,
With strange people,
Under strange circumstances.
Some call it bold,
Some call it cowardly escape,
Some call it love,
Some call it outrageous stupidity,
Some exclaim in disbelief,
Some silently mutter in jealousy,
Some say “You don’t deserve it.”
Some say, “You are worth every penny.”
Some, so many,
All these people in my head,
Who travelled overseas on free tickets with me,
An entire world,
An infuriating celestial miracle,
Obnoxious electrochemical reactions inside my brain,
These people and I,
My room, my pen, the blue blue sky,
Beautiful things, beautiful places, beautiful beautiful faces,
That I peek through my invisibility cloak,
That I look at in wonder,
That I look at with curiosity,
That I look at in boredom…
Happy places, laughing faces,
Of course,
Of course it’s too early to miss home,
Too early to miss the recent past,
Too early to miss the current present.

What is this?
I,
Caught up in a few fucked up tenses,
Trying to make some decent sentences,
Stringing along the pearls of words,
Trying to weave a good fabric through some odd phrases,
Living the life,
Denouncing it at the same time,
Awed, and indifferent,
Amazed and hurt.
How nice! How wonderful!
How enigmatic! How treacherous!
How confusing! How difficult!
A simple question;
A lost answer,
And all this adventure in between –
“What do you want, dear heart?”

***

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philosophy, Poetry

Let her explode.

My oh my!
Look at that girl,
Look at that girl being so shy,
Reserved, antisocial, the one who doesn’t give a damn,
The cool one, the coolest one,
who doesn’t have the fear of “missing out”
Ah! Trapped inside the shell,
despite being outside it,
often, so often, so often!
How does it feel to lose your character?
One thing that you thought you are,
One thing that you thought you accepted!
But wait, oh wait!
Your acceptance escaped!
Now, your definition is running short of words,
How would you find your meaning now?
How would you find it all over again?
My oh my!
Look at that girl,
Look at that girl being not so shy,
Outspoken, carefree, mingling, friendly,
A genuine smile that doesn’t deny-
That doesn’t deny the voice within,
That doesn’t deny the things that could have been,
That doesn’t deny the moment right here,
That doesn’t deny the fact you care.
Ah! A genuine fictitious smile!
Damn. That girl.
Help her? Save her? Protect her?
But how would you see the fireworks then?
Let her explode instead.

***

philosophy, Poetry

A love letter

Dear,
How scandalous and embarrassing of me to anticipate for the day when I will be able to speak to you again,
when you are not supposed to exist,
when your charm is something I should easily resist!
But look how glittering you are!
Even the dawn can’t make your presence disappear!
How tempting it is to touch you,
even though it’s a common knowledge how toxic you are!
How attractive it is to pursue you,
even though it’s widely known how forbidden you are!
O Honey! O Darling!
Why mustn’t you desert my heart?
You bring death to my life,
You bring life to my death,
You bring love, you bring hate.
You bring joy, you frustrate!
You destroy, you create.
Are you even real?
How embarrassing and scandalous of me to be influenced by you so much,
Wasn’t my life already complicated enough?
No, it is pointless to accuse you!
Because I think you make my life simpler instead.
You are blood into my veins,
Air that I could breathe,
Despite your debatable actuality,
You mean,
You exist,
As if nothing else matters.

***

philosophy, Poetry

Dead lives,

Dead lives, dead leaves,
Scattered across the grey streets,
On a soulless journey to nowhere or everywhere
with the winds sweeping them onto different destinations
With the time decaying them back into life;
Just so they could fall lifeless once again.
What do you hope to find in this circular maze?
How are you different from other carbon corpses?
Dead eyes, dead voice,
After all, a beating heart was never your choice!
Like the stones, like the deepest ocean bed,
You are silently waiting for the end ahead.
Hush!Hush!Hush!
Don’t think it too loud!
Hush!Hush!Hush!
The stars might overhear!
Time might end today or after infinity,
But the blood must continue running stale in your veins
The thoughts must wander lost always.
Dead leaves, dead lives,
sleeping indifferently on the streets at nights.
Make sure there’s never anything to see
Make sure that the eyes are always wide shut
For if they blink open, if they ever do,
It will all come fiercely rushing through,
in all its unfairness,
tearing apart your blissfully protective wall of indifference-
The storming life,
The warrior love,
valiantly destroying your ignorant existence,
Your living death.

***

food for thought, philosophy, Poetry

I am an Alien

Beautiful places, beautiful people, beautiful pictures
And I am not a part of it
Despite being a part of it
My existence – dusted at some neglected corner
not meant to be discovered,
I stand silent, trying to admire, trying to convince
that I am in love with what lays before me
An ineffective camouflage for how really detached I feel
In my head, I am already miles away
Though I stand right here
In my head, I am already mourning the separation
Though I haven’t felt a single ounce of love for your company
In my head, I am crying over an alternate future
Though I can’t even admire the present.
Beautiful pictures, beautiful places, beautiful you!
Would you call me insensitive?
Is my heart really a stone?
Never overwhelmed or underwhelmed
I am just whelmed
Not too happy, not too hurt, not too furious
I anticipate a storm inside
But there’s no destruction
There’s no scope for creation
For a poet –
I am surprisingly devoid of turbulences
Maybe I am being too harsh
Maybe I am being too vain
All this meaningless rant –
Beautiful pictures, beautiful places, beautiful people!
And I am not a part of it
Despite being a part of it.
I am an alien and I couldn’t be more ordinary.

*

How not to, humour, Narratives, philosophy

How to open the door the correct way

I am sitting on the pot, locked inside my bathroom clutching an unusual realization with me, “I am going to die today.” I am aware that it’s a bit uncommon thought considering the location. After all, relief is what they call is a bathroom’s real forte. But I am far, far, far away from that emotion. I am drenched in anxiety. I am assailed by the kind of panic that surpasses my worst panic attack by hundred folds. I am going to die today. Right here. For a twenty-two year old young woman like me, who has been blessed with good health, this scenario doesn’t make sense. But how is it that I am dangling just a few inches away from jumping off the cliff into my after-life forever? It’s such a weird spot to have death embrace you but it’s too late and it seems that there is indeed nothing I can do to change it. Death is near; a potential groom – a mere mutter of “I do” away. I can already hear his steps approaching. Thump. Thump. Thump. My heart is in my throat. I am breathing at a frequency which even the latest computer processors can’t match. As a desperate attempt to distract myself, my brain performs an old trick – it throws me into a day-dream. It could be called a good move had it actually been a day dream. Even in the crucial times like this, my brain can’t let go of his sick sense of humor. He throws me into the dream that does the opposite of what it was supposed to do – It intensifies my panic. Can you believe that guy? In my head, as I time travel two to three days in the future, I can see my mother returning home to find our house in a perfectly normal condition. Perfectly normal condition except for the terrible stench. “Where is it coming from?” She wonders. She enters my room. The smell intensifies. Maybe a rat died in the bathroom. She tries to open the bathroom’s door. But it doesn’t budge. It’s locked! Now, she begins to grow anxious. Something is wrong. This stench is too strong to belong to a dead rat. Or the rat is too smart to lock the door. She tries to break open the door but it’s too heavy. She can’t do it. Her brain has already started formulating alternative plans. She rushes downstairs to the fifth floor immediately where she remembers she may be able to find a carpenter. The moment she enters the apartment, carpenter stops his work and stares at the woman’s grim face sprinkled with sweat. Something’s really wrong, his intuitions tell him. Slowly and calmly he asks, “Kya hua Madam?”
“Darwaza todna hai.”

The carpenter doesn’t ask any further questions. He abandons his work, accompanies her upstairs, to my home, to my room and ultimately to the bathroom door. The wretched bathroom door. It doesn’t take the carpenter long to break the lock. He takes a moment before opening the door. From the smell he can guess what he is about to see is going to haunt him for a long time. He slightly pushes the door and it swings open slowly, as if gracefully preparing them for a horrific sight. The woman behind him has already fallen to the floor, unconscious.

I never thought that the first one to see my dead body would be the person whom I had never met in my lifetime. I kind of always fantasied that my death would be glorious one. Glorious not in the sense that I hope to die at a war. By glorious I meant I die in the arms of a loved one. I die with smile and contentment. But this death is the exact opposite. I have never felt loneliness the way I feel right now. I never thought I would die in a freaking toilet! I never thought I would die grieving over my youth and all the dreams that I had once hoped to realize. I had always hoped that I would die with all my dreams already turned into reality. How cruel fate can be!

I had been so engrossed in my day-dream or rather nightmare that I had completely grown oblivious of the banging and voice coming from the other side of the door.

“Are you there? Answer us!”
“Yes, I am here. I am here.”

My friend had been standing outside the bathroom for a long time. I had been standing inside the bathroom for a long time. All I originally wanted to do here was to pee in peace. Since I had guests with me – my friends, I had taken extra precaution of locking the door behind in order to avoid any potentially awkward situations. We weren’t after all in a usual state of mind. Well, congratulations, there will be no awkward situations. They can’t get in even if they tried their best.
When I had been asked to pull the latch even harder after my multiple futile attempts to open the door, I had mustered all my strength and broken it instead. The broken piece is still lying on the floor. And yes, that’s why I am going to die here today. “You can do this,” my friend says again. “Wash your face. Breath. Breathe, okay? You will figure out a way.”
Figure out a way? Yeah. Right. I wash my face anyway. I am never getting out of here. Could be that my friends, on the other side (on the other side of freedom!) figure out a way to open the door. But it will be too late by then. I pick up the piece, to acknowledge how a tiny thing is going to result in my death and then suddenly I am greeted by a tiny ray of hope! I discover that there are threads in the end. Threads mean that the piece is not broken but just detached! Brimming with joy, I insert the piece in the gaping hole of the latch that had been terrorizing me until now and rotate it in. It’s moving in! Maybe I won’t die after all. Boy, I had been so stupid! Filled with hope, I try to open the door again.

It doesn’t budge.

Perfect! The carpenter has called my neighbors. My mother is conscious and furious. Furious. Not sad. Not weeping. Not wailing. FURIOUS. Because that’s how her daughter died? In a bathroom? From a drug overdose? And which drug? Cannabis? Seriously? No, that’s not my daughter. This is not her. I don’t know who this girl is. Take her body away. Take her to a morgue. Dump it. Do whatever. This is not my daughter—

“There?”

That’s my friend again.

“Yes I am here. Not dead. Not yet…”
“Breath, okay? Try to open the door again.”

I take a few deep breaths. I approach this monstrous door, devoid of hope for any success. A funny thought strikes me then. What if you pull the latch on the opposite side?
The opposite side? But that’s the wrong side!
I would lock myself further into this hell! Crazy or what?
But what’s the harm in trying? So, I try anyway.

The lock slides with an unbelievable smoothness. The door is open.

THE. DOOR. IS. OPEN.

I was pushing the latch in the wrong direction this whole time.
I am overwhelmed by relief and happiness and suddenly a deeply profound thought dawns upon me – Maybe that’s how it works with life. We are trying to push the doors open so hard but nothing works even then. Maybe we need to sit back and breathe. And the solution, an incredibly​ simple and obvious solution, will appear out of nowhere. Push the lock in the other direction. It’s that simple.
Door swings open.
Life swings open.
I am laughing. All my tears that contained panic a while ago contain nothing but joy. My friend, my beloved friend throws an incredibly annoyed look at me. I apologize to her. I need to. I must. I ruined her beautiful date with Mary after all. But did you notice how simple it is? Push the latch on the opposite direction and that’s how you open the door the correct way.

***

food for thought, philosophy

The Puppets

In this brief moment, when the puppeteer above has paused his show thinking about what his next move should be, the puppets below stand still and shocked at their absolute inability to move on their own. For the first time in their lives, they realize how badly they mistook their actions as their own voluntary movements. So, what has their life been? Nothing but a portrayal of some fictitious story weaved by the hands above? Their life has never been theirs. Their reality has been nothing but a performance. What is the relevance of this kind of life? Should it even be called a life? They examine the strings attached to several parts of their body. They want to look up, curse the man who had been leading their lives instead of them but they can’t, not without his permission. In their motionless state, they could feel their mind sinking deep into the ocean of restlessness. They suddenly become aware of the thrilled audience at the front who sat anticipating for yet another wasted show. What joy can one derive from this? From someone’s misery? Are their lives nothing but a medium of entertainment?

Why did the puppeteer pause? They had been living happily in their ignorance! Now, how would they continue breathing with this horrifying realization when every single hope of any possible meaning to their life has been completely annihilated? Meaning of life? Maybe, maybe to be “puppetted” had been their purpose all along. But what kind of purpose is this which is by default, already attained? But this was their reality. This is their reality. Maybe they should just go along with it. But should they not be angry at their pitiable state? At their irrelevant existence? But what kind of relevance would their “voluntary” actions would bring anyway? They would still be on stage. They would be still performing – maybe with a bit of spontaneity but that doesn’t really make a difference! Maybe, it’s good that now they don’t have to carry the burden of making their lives extraordinary. Maybe, it’s for the best that the responsibility of such magnitude has been taken off their shoulders. Maybe things would be simpler now. But the freedom! Aren’t they going to miss their freedom? How could they be so confused, hopeful, furious, curious, morose and even relieved at the same time?

It’s difficult to get out of the maze of their thoughts now. Too late, they went in too far. “Maybe we should simply accept who we are” one of them speaks quietly. Accept who we are? Accept who we are! But who are we? Plastic! Paint! Waste! That’s what our being has succumbed to! And we should just accept that? “Then maybe we should rebel against our own nature,” the crazy man speaks again. What is wrong with this guy? We can’t move a millimeter without this string telling us to and you suggest us to rebel? Are you out of your mind? “Then what should we do?” the man shouts. Who knows! We cannot do anything! Maybe, you are right. We should accept who we are. But it is difficult. It is unfair. It is heartbreaking. It is anything but acceptable. “Okay…Well let me tell you this in that case. Why should we go on about calling ourselves a waste! If we can’t do anything about our situation, then can’t we be happy about the fact that we are also a piece of art? Aren’t we also a creation?” the crazy man says again. What’s up with this guy being so hopeful! We are doomed, my friend. We are DOOMED! “But we had always been doomed. It’s just that we know that now.” Somebody must make this creature shut up.

And suddenly, the puppets find themselves moving again. The puppeteer has resumed his show. They can’t stop themselves from engaging in this dance. They can’t stop themselves from obeying. What pathetic state is this! Can they slip into the zone of ignorance again? Maybe they can. After all, isn’t imagination supposed to be the most powerful tool? And so it begins as the puppets start imagining every movement as the part of their own life – not their performance. Of course, it’s difficult at first. Good things aren’t supposed to come easy. Their minds both protest and comply. But they imagine again. Again. Again. And again until it transforms into an incessant dream of their ideal lives. The strings break away and they dance, walk, embrace with their own will. It’s beautiful! They have finally attained the freedom to pen down their own stories. Who cares about the delusion? Who cares about the ignorance? There’s too much beauty in their independence to think about those stupid stuff! So, they sing! They swoon! They rejoice! They celebrate until…Until the moment, the hands upstairs pause again.

***

Inspiration, Musings from the coffee shop, philosophy, Poetry, theturquoiseink quotes.

How are you?

What do you mean? I mean I know what you mean but I don’t know. I don’t know how to answer that. How am I? Like the “W” in the word answer. Like the letters – U, E, U, E in the word queue. What’s that expression – French answer to this question? – comme ci comme ça. Like this like that. Like this. Like what? Like meaningless. Like pathetic. Like chaotic. Like not-good-enough. Like unoriginal. Like pretentious like I think that I am being all the time. And when I ask myself to be true, to be more “I” like in the word – I, I come up with same I.

How am I? You ask. Physically? Pretty sound. Have a slight head ache but who doesn’t. Mentally? As in if I am normal? Yes, Very. Thank you. Emotionally? Don’t ask. But then you have asked! Not well, my friend, not well. I am crushed. I am on a relentless ride of highs and lows. I have no clue how to stop it. There’s flood. There’s drought. Flood – when there’s too much happening at the same time and I am drowned in the haphazardness. Drought – when there’s too less happening over a long stretch of time and I am convinced that the end, despite being the inevitable entity, is never going to come.

Then living isn’t fun sometimes. Doing things I don’t like isn’t fun. Doing things that I like and then finding out that it isn’t as fun as I thought it would be, isn’t fun. Not doing anything isn’t fun. Just doing anything isn’t fun. But why am I complaining! I am supposed to be the lucky one! Be grateful, child! Be grateful! So, thank you for this life god, which you clearly created out of habit instead of necessity. Thank you for this.

But, yeah things are fine. This coffee is fine. My cellphone is fine. My laptop is fine. The weather is fine. The woman over there with the flowy red dress and the nicely tied bun is fine. And that group of school kids shouting over a game of UNO are fine. But how am I? I guess I am angry. Also sad. Also disgusted. Also disgusting. Also chaotic. Also ugly. Also clumsy. Also confused. But also alive. Also dreamy. Also calm. Also peaceful. Also inspired. Also amazed. Also beautiful. But then you don’t want to know all of this, do you? So, how am I? I am a careless and disproportionate mixture of fine(s). Of course, to put it simply, I am fine. Is there anything else we can all be?

~Musings from the coffee shop

food for thought, Narratives, philosophy, random

When you died and I seem to know you now

It’s puzzling to some extent to accept that I am this agitated by you. I can’t explain it because truth be told, I don’t really know you. So, the fact that you decided to elope with that beautiful handsome young man – death – shouldn’t be bothering me at all. Come on!  Someone somewhere is talking to his daughter for the last time. I can’t grieve over that. Someone somewhere is aiming his gun to kill the man he has been paid to kill. I can’t grieve over that. Someone somewhere knows finally that the chemotherapy didn’t work on her after all. I can’t grieve over her. Someone somewhere is closing her eyes to a blissful dream that she knows will never end. I can’t grieve over her.

And I don’t. I simply don’t have such emotional stamina.

But being strangers, in our case, doesn’t help. Don’t ask me why, I am not good with explanations. Just a while ago, you were breathing and you didn’t matter. Ironically now you lay so still, your eyes closed, your blood frozen – a decaying servant to gravity now, not your heart and I can’t stop thinking about you. Your death is baffling. Your could-have-been life brings those tears back again that I just wiped a few seconds ago. Maybe you are at a better place now – where people don’t get sick, where people have meaning, where they don’t expect, where they accept,  where they don’t deny, where they embrace, where there is hope, where there is joy, where there is life that truly is worth living. Maybe you are at that place. So, maybe I need not even be sad for you.

But what about the people you have left behind? People, whose lives you touched, whose lives which once were intricately weaved with yours but now are just some haphazardly tangled lumps of threads. What about your memories that are going to come back again and again at utterly random moments and haunt them? What about those things – your books, your pillow, your clothes that are going to lay there expecting you to touch them one more time and will never be touched by anyone else without the stab of your memories? I am sad for the circle you have drawn which can’t ever be broken or bended back into a straight line.

Maybe your absence will be a new doleful inspiration. Maybe your absence will grudgingly bring new possibilities. Maybe you are hopeful it might turn out that way eventually – all forgotten, forgiven – with a better beginning, with a better ending but there always be this dream, this never ending dream, cropping like weeds in an otherwise well maintained garden, a faint possibility, a faint projection of a future – that could have been led with you – what would that have been like?

And no matter how much you try to, you can’t save us from that. You can’t take away this pain. We have earned it. We might in a spur of rageful moment blame it on you. But we would never mean it. It was never your fault after all. We will blame it on gods because in the end we need someone to share the unbearable pain of not being able to save you.

And even then, you and the gods can’t stop us from wondering how come you are not here! You were there just a moment ago; breathing, existing, living, loving and now you are not. How come? How will you ever make us truly believe that you will never come back? You will. Won’t you?

food for thought, Inspiration, philosophy

The two assholes in our heads

Every night I sleep with a different state of mind. Old plans are screwed, new plans are made. There are new criteria for judging myself and there are new reasons to be hopeful. Everyday, I wake up with a different head. Sometimes there is a perpetual smile on my face and I keep wondering why am I even happy. Sometimes, I am destitute, I can’t find sources for my dismay and the day gets worse and worse. I love roller coaster rides but life takes my love too seriously. I mean I don’t mind these hellish rides, but I would like to get off of it sometimes. I would appreciate it better in its absence. It’s complicated; I know it doesn’t have to be and I know in my heart that life really is kind of simple. But it’s hard not to be the way we are.We expect too much and we stress too much, we are sad about things that don’t deserve our sorrow, we are bored but we do nothing about it and then we are sad again, we are annoyed because we don’t know really what to do, we are meaningless because what does a drop mean in the midst of an ocean, we are not genetically superior- not too smart, not too beautiful, not too cool, not too talented in any area, we are just there! Just there! Our reason to exist- an utter mystery! We look at the greener grass at the other side, meanwhile someone else mistakes the grass that we are standing on to be green and we weave up our escape plans, scrap them next morning realizing that we are just not that passionate. What are we passionate about then? We turn to our heart for an answer. Of course he doesn’t speak.We long ago threw up our hands because no matter what we do, no manipulating technique can convince us to pursue what we seem to love. We will never be good enough. People will tell you, they will encourage you – Don’t you underestimate yourself child! Well, what if we are not? What if our ‘underestimate’ is actually an exact estimate. And this is how the second person who resides in you will never get convinced. He will remain skeptical. He will shut the other person up every time. Every dreamy, enticing, glamourous plan will be scrapped by him right away. There he is, the other dreamy person in your head, residing in the dustbin now.

This dominating boring person isn’t that bad though. He will console you as well. He will encourage you to accept things how they are. He will ask you, beg you to cherish your present situation, to see the beauty of it. He will ask you to be happy. Yes, he won’t let you picture the grandness. Yes, he would cut all those day dreams right in the middle. Yes, he will be an asshole! But is he? What’s wrong with his point of view? He is asking you to be happy! What’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with being ordinary, what’s wrong if we are not an artist or a traveller or a photographer or a writer or a scientist or a chef? What’s wrong if we leave our homes at nine and come back at five, if we don’t have an instagram account that shows them mountains and oceans or those spontaneous weekend get aways? What’s wrong with that? Why do we have to crucify our ordinary lives? And ordinary jobs? You tell everyone to be special – Well, Newsflash! – You are not. You are boring. Your life is not glamourous. Your sadness is annoying. Your cribbing doesn’t make sense. And you, just you, not your boss or your classmates or your friends or your parents, you, with your own beautiful hands are making yourself miserable.

That’s what this person is trying to tell you. So, is he an asshole, really? Okay, maybe he is. But when you think of it, isn’t the other dreamy person an asshole as well?
I am not asking you to be happy with who you are – that thing doesn’t happen with a blog post.What I am trying to tell you is that there are two people in your head. One won’t let you do what you want to do. Other won’t let  you  do what you currently do.

Both of them are equally evil.

I don’t myself know how to handle them.But sometimes, when you are walking across the street(or maybe not), when the wind is right (or maybe not), when there are flower petals fallen on the ground glorifying your entrance (or maybe not), when your shoes don’t bite (or maybe they do), when your laptop bag isn’t that heavy (or maybe it is), when you had had just the right amount of food at your favourite food place (or maybe not), you can choose to ignore both of these idiots and just breath and realize what a bliss that is.

Fuck everything else.