food for thought, Things that I don't understand

Things that I don’t understand – II

  1. Fluid mechanics. Office politics. And heart.
  2. Black holes. Black-heads. What existed before big bang. And heart.

So, what’s the most popular topic available in the market for us average folks? Politics? Partly. Sports? Partly. Game of Thrones? Yes, definitely. Shit, this post should have been about that. But, okay I settled for the second best thing – Opposite gender! Of course! The most common thing that we don’t understand yet! Yeah, yeah, yeah as mainstream as it is, this is indeed going to be about him. About that guy.  “What guy?” you might ask. Good question. He is the guy you mostly hate but secretly love. The guy you secretly love and that’s why you mostly hate yourself. He is the one who has technically departed from the circle of relevance of your life. But, oh, he is there alright. The guy you are almost tempted to text when drunk. But self-control matters and you don’t really want to climb down the ladder of self-esteem anymore. So, you don’t. But still you are “tempted”. Point to be noted, your highness! The guy you might have met just once but then that was enough. The guy who never bought you any flowers or took you on a “formal” date (or let you do the vice versa) but even the lack of these things was enough. Enough for what? Enough for your obvious inference that you need to stay away. But you didn’t. Because how could you simply do things that you shouldn’t and make your life a hell lot simpler? The guy who offends you, who disrespects you in the most obvious ways and yet he matters. The guy who is not interested in you even a bit and hence all your interest comes pouring down on him. Yes, that guy. You don’t like him. Or rather you don’t want to like him. You wish for indifference. You wish that the fact that he has a satisfactory life without you doesn’t bother you. He is that guy whose proximity might be something you yearn for. But you wish both for his presence and absence. He is toxic. So, you stay away. He is toxic. So, you search for an antidote so that you could stay with him. You don’t wish to acknowledge his impact on your life and usually you don’t. But for how long would you deny?  You can’t hide the truth from your own self. Your self knows about the way he is there in your thoughts – lurking, hovering and always peeking through the curtain. “Why? Why that guy?” You ask everyone present in your body. And oh so cutely they all nod their heads with innocence dripping through their faces and they will tell you – “On ne sait pas! (We don’t know!)” You don’t know. I don’t know. God doesn’t know. Science doesn’t know. So, who knows! Damn. That guy. “Come on! You could do better surely,” you tell yourself. But then why must you belittle yourself and him both by such line of thought! You could do better. He could do better. Who knows who could do better? He is not worth it. He doesn’t deserve you. But you don’t know that. Maybe it’s not you who deserves better maybe it’s him who deserves better. Maybe his negative projections in your brain are merely one of your futile efforts to get him out of your head. For what it’s worth maybe he is indeed amazing. Too good for you. Maybe not, who knows? Can we really have an unbiased opinion about this? But do we really need that opinion? So, why insult ourselves (and him) by this pointless debate? Pause. Let’s acknowledge that our paths intersected for a reason. Pause. Let’s acknowledge that nothing lasts forever. Pause. Let’s recall that there are many people who once meant the world to you but are nothing more than a name in your Facebook friend list now. Things like that happen all the time and with everybody. Pause. Yes, you both shouldn’t be together. And thankfully that’s not even going to happen. But can somebody tell you that it’s okay to think about him? Pause. He had been amazing and you are grateful. Pause. This is a phase and it will pass. You learn and move on. That’s life. Stop. Okay?

Okay. But that guy, that person – ‘Why exactly’ is what I don’t understand.


food for thought, random

A brief note on valentine’s day

(And how that’s not what this really is)

Don’t really get what we want from relationships these days. On one hand, we want to skip the whole tiresome bullshit of “whether-he-likes-me-or-not” and we don’t want to go through the awkwardness of all those dates; the unnecessary questions intended to conceal the true intentions which by the way is known to both the parties! But still on the other hand, we would go through all the pretentiousness again, not trying to judge but judging anyway, agreeing and disagreeing and then agreeing to meet again and then spending hours (Mind you! Hours!) trying to ensure it’s the right kind of weirdness, the compatible kind, the cute kind, the appropriate cheesy kind, not the creepy kind, not the clingy kind, not the too desperate kind. Who wants all this bogus process? God! We want honesty! We want directness! We want truth and a certain kind of frankness. We want certainty, not the I-don’t-knows!
But of course, when we do get all these that we seem to want, a strict no beating around the bush things, we are offended! How dare he says stuff like that!
Weird, isn’t it? We can’t tolerate it. We don’t want the drama but we want the drama. We don’t want to be exhausted again but we want to be exhausted. Despite not wanting it, we want the formalities, the sanskaar and the skillful talking. We might not even want him but we want him to want us!  We want nothing but we want everything! Has this always been this complicated? Is that even worth all the energy and all the time? The frequent uselessness and the occasional usefulness of it is harrowing. Get what I am saying?

And it doesn’t stop there! Relationships! And boys! Hah—

He tells you that he loves you and you tell him that you don’t. You not being able to reciprocate is you being a serial friend-zoner of course.

Your willingness to meet him again and again, your pleasure reflected in your smile when you see him do not count. But you not sending the first texts makes you an attention-seeker of course.

The way he disappears in the midst of a conversation, the way he can be sweet and indifferent as he pleases, the way he treats you as a malleable entity do not count. But you not returning his calls makes you the heartless bitch of course.

It’s okay for him to like you but not like you enough to be anything beyond the friend who comes with certain kind of benefits but you doing the same makes you a slut. But also you being emotionally involved makes you desperate and needy of course.

When he likes seeing you but doesn’t like being seen with you and that just makes him “a bit concerned about the privacy” which is so okay but you doing the same makes you offensive of course.

Being a girl, they say, gives you an edge in the relationships. That’s right and it’s okay for him to push you off that edge but if you fall it’s just you being stupidly careless, of course—

So, I guess what you are trying to say is that girls and guys, all over the planet, are too confused and  too busy following the notions of patriarchy to be involved in meaningful relationships…

You think too much voice-in-my-head! I guess what I am trying to say is that if you are looking at the phone screen waiting for it to blink with a notification that’s going to make your heart flutter. Don’t. Drink a beer instead and have a very happy valentine’s day!

How original of you to post something like this on 14th February!

Thanks! Hope you know my originality springs from you, brain!