Maybe what I need is a complete irrevocable silence or maybe in a less depressing way, just a different line of thought.
Different line of thought, you know, where I don’t think about what I will be doing in future and I don’t ask the same to you, where we don’t get sentimental about these things, where we don’t make suggestions keeping the other’s best interests in our hearts and quietly scrapping the others advice down ourselves, where we don’t talk about universe, share our whatever little knowledge of quantum physics, contemplate a little more on the existence of god and arrive on the same fucking conclusion every fucking time. Or you know we don’t talk about that god forsaken liquid – alcohol! About the things we have and haven’t done after gulping it down our throat. About that wild night you don’t remember, how you don’t remember kissing that super cute guy and how super awkward that was, how you called everybody you knew and proposed each one of them, how you did all those weirdest things and now you can’t help but tell all these stupid incidents flushed with so much pride? This much pride for what exactly?
Never mind! I don’t want to know. I don’t want to keep meandering around the same old topics forever and ever – stuck with our narrow fucking mind, of which we are not aware yet and hence we are just sitting here talking about some supposedly intellectual liberal out-of-the-box shit while actually what we are simply doing is just deluding ourselves into being something we are not. How can you call yourself broadminded if you have the same bullshit perspective for yourself for the rest of your life? Ugh. Anyway, I am stuck here while you are talking and I am listening to these weird thoughts of mine. I shouldn’t be rude but can you please allow me to be mean today? Can I stop you in the middle, if you don’t mind? Because, no, I don’t want to know how you went to that trek once and how amazing it was and how drastically that changed your life. I would love to know the before and after! How did it change your life? Tell me. Are you sure the experience even brushed past you? You say you are a different person now, how? Please tell me! I would love to hear that. But then you won’t. You would stop at the word amazing. That’s it. Ah, no, no, no, don’t start with those again; the 90’s, the childhood shows or ads or the 9th Chapters of Biology books or that mainstream TV series or the movies that I haven’t watched but I need to or the novels that I haven’t read but I need to and vice versa. Let’s definitely not talk about the people we have been interested in. Why does it always have to circle back to our love lives? Please, I can’t handle thinking about them. Nope. Don’t bring up my hobbies either. Let’s scrap every normal way to have a conversation. Yes. So, don’t you dare bring in food into our dialogues either! The best adjective that we are ever going to use for the best food we have ever had is “really good”. Really good? There it is – the proud display of our limited vocabulary, all the words of Wilfred Funk that we mugged up so passionately are down the drain of our brains. And the best adjective we are ever going to use for the worst we have ever had is – it was okay. Okay. We don’t have to use fancy words if we can’t but we can still create strong sentences like tasting the plastic filled with rotting vegetables or eating a suitcase full of vomit or something, right? But we won’t. We won’t ever be that harsh! We will always stick to this abused word – ‘okay’. We need to change this. We need to stop using these hollow adjectives – these adjectives that have no reasons attached to them, which have no opinions, which are such pathetic diplomatic little pathways into the neutral zone. Neutral zone, Ah! That wretched zone! The turquoise ink dictionary defines neutral zone as the safest zone of all – a place especially designed for people who like to reside in a blissful shelter built lovingly with thousand layers of pretense and customized bricks of ignorance. It’s the place that is inhabited by the kind of people who, when spotting two people engaged in a dangerous fight, would light up a cigarette and watch. They would observe their moves, make notes about it, maybe write a book on it but no they won’t try to stop the fight and most of all they would never ever take a side and engage in the fight themselves. They are the kind of people who would glorify the victor among the crowd who are mourning the loss of the defeated and who would sympathize with the loser amongst the crowd that’s celebrating the victor. The kind of people, who would unfortunately, fortunately never mix facts with opinions, the invisible mob, the real evil players residing everywhere easily adapting like the water taking the shapes of containers. People like us! People whom, when told that they are loved, would merely respond by a “Hell. You can’t possibly!” and run the fuck away. People who always dream of being passionate, of being a romantic but they never are able to be one because they are stuck in this zone and they have caged themselves in, swallowed the keys themselves.
But, maybe we can crawl out of this miserable place. Maybe we think that all doors are closed but what if they are not? What if there are unlocked doors just a mere accidental push away and we just need to roam around with a different route and breathe in a less panicky pattern of breathing. How though? You might ask, how can you have a novel thought with the same room, same office, same cubicle, same seat at the bus, same food in the canteen, same routine, same people, same faces, same stories, same Google searches, same playlist, same Facebook newsfeed and same fucking person staring back in the mirror every day? How do I expect to gain a new perspective?
Maybe, this is why I am putting so much pressure on this conversation to be so mind blazingly different. It’s not fair on you I guess. And I am sorry; you don’t have to be so original just to have a conversation, of course. I understand. But what about me? All my self-talks are similar! I would really appreciate some different trajectories there at least! It’s not an unreasonable demand, dear brain, when you think of it. I am tired of having the same conversations with you. Same pitiable memories of the past, same proud moments, how I don’t like cats, how I almost fell in love once, how I liked Salman Khan once , how I used to fall sick all the time, how I still do, how office is always okay, how all ice creams are just nice, how my siblings teased me, how they still do, how Richard Linklater is amazing, how Brad Pitt is too beautiful, how I am always ALWAYS listening to Coldplay, how I love writing, how I would like to be a writer but do nothing about it! How boys are stupid, how I am stupid, how world is stupid, how there’s boredom everywhere, how I hate life! Come on! I don’t want to talk about this shit. This all ends in the same way, in me standing in the middle of a crossroad, so lost. Can we change this for a day at least?
So, what’s the solution?
Discover yourself! Meditate! Travel! Read! You know that kind of stuff, the kind social media is stuffed with!
And those are the only Clichéd-as-fuck, bleached-down-to-the-roots solutions? Are there no alternatives? What if you can’t afford to do these? What if you have tried these and it hasn’t worked? What then? Are you pretty much screwed, forever?
No, there must be alternatives, I am sure. Don’t you think? There must be alternatives. Maybe we just need to look at all this in a fresh way.