Inspiration, philosophy, Poetry

I don’t miss home,

Of course I don’t miss home,
Though it’s cold out here but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I miss the warmth.
Of course I don’t miss home,
Yes, I confess that the green bed of my dorm,
The matching duvets and pillows aren’t as somniferous as the violet hues of my room,
The humongous pin board bears such a vast scope for creativity,
But I admit it seems that I have left it all behind on the walls of a small place that I am not supposed to think much about.
But still I don’t miss home,
Not when I look through my tiny window and remember how large it used to be.
I don’t miss home,
I am too happy to bear such delusions,
After all the beauty of my surroundings hasn’t even sunk in,
The notion that I might be sharing same time and same space as this place still lies dangling as a mad hypothesis,
I haven’t properly forgotten the crowds, the dust, the hot weather of the past,
I haven’t even forgotten the sweat, the noise, the boredom, the four walls confining my life,
I haven’t forgotten that the food wasn’t always this tasteless,
I haven’t forgotten that the water used to cheaper than alcohol,
I haven’t forgotten about the time I had to waste,
I haven’t forgotten the anticipation, the butterflies, the apprehensions,
Regarding what that could now be called my present,
I haven’t forgotten much,
Despite being here,
I haven’t forgotten anything at all.
Though the dates in my calendar keeps rapidly changing,
Perhaps I can sit here listening to the same downtrodden playlist,
With my pen and a few things in my head to reminisce,
I can sit here for eternity or so it seems,
I can sit here pretending that the time is frozen.
So I don’t miss home.
I don’t miss it at all.
When I wake up tomorrow,
It would still be incredibly hard to believe
That I am here
Miles away,
In a strange beautiful land,
With strange people,
Under strange circumstances.
Some call it bold,
Some call it cowardly escape,
Some call it love,
Some call it outrageous stupidity,
Some exclaim in disbelief,
Some silently mutter in jealousy,
Some say “You don’t deserve it.”
Some say, “You are worth every penny.”
Some, so many,
All these people in my head,
Who travelled overseas on free tickets with me,
An entire world,
An infuriating celestial miracle,
Obnoxious electrochemical reactions inside my brain,
These people and I,
My room, my pen, the blue blue sky,
Beautiful things, beautiful places, beautiful beautiful faces,
That I peek through my invisibility cloak,
That I look at in wonder,
That I look at with curiosity,
That I look at in boredom…
Happy places, laughing faces,
Of course,
Of course it’s too early to miss home,
Too early to miss the recent past,
Too early to miss the current present.

What is this?
I,
Caught up in a few fucked up tenses,
Trying to make some decent sentences,
Stringing along the pearls of words,
Trying to weave a good fabric through some odd phrases,
Living the life,
Denouncing it at the same time,
Awed, and indifferent,
Amazed and hurt.
How nice! How wonderful!
How enigmatic! How treacherous!
How confusing! How difficult!
A simple question;
A lost answer,
And all this adventure in between –
“What do you want, dear heart?”

***

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food for thought, my life, PATNA CHRONICLES, philosophy

Finally home!

So, here lies the answer of how we finally got home.

A little precap;

Last time you checked we had landed on the Vadodara station. Our tiring journey from Delhi to Vadodara had finally come to an end.

(^To know more details you can read this- What the hell is she talking about?)

But the movie had not ended.

Our destination was Surat, not Vadodara.

We had this general ticket. And even though it takes just about two hours to reach Baroda by train, the prospect of getting into the heavily crowded bogie with our heavy luggage was giving us goose flesh.

But quite bravely, first we did try to sit in a general bogie.

However, the bogie we considered as general was not really general. It was reserved for army and people related to army.

So, when we tried to get in, we were, in simple words, thrown out.

Three individuals who looked hopelessly tired and worn out in every freaking possible way and all these “army” people had got to say was- “Get out off our bogie!”

What kind of army were they if they couldn’t help out a fellow civilian!

Shame on them!

But god was smiling on us from above.

A much more comfortable journey was waiting for us.

And I am glad that we didn’t get into that bogie. Those army people can go fuck themselves ( I have never said this before but I think I will mention it once hoping that it would be enough for all my previous and upcoming posts- “Pardon my language. I swear a little when I write but I can’t help it. )

So, the train we had almost boarded departed. But there was another train that was about to depart soon. What we did was -we sort of bribed the TT, requested him to give us seats if they were available. (We here mostly consists of my brother and sister, I was just a silent spectator the whole time)

As it turned out, the seats were indeed available. And we got to travel the ending two hours of our journey breathing the cool conditioned air.

Of course, we had to pay for that but okay we were happy.

Money CAN buy happiness. Don’t let anyone tell you different.

So, this was how the battle ended and a new era had begun in my life. New era is not an exaggeration or just something that I used as a comic literary tool. No, I meant it.

The train journeys will never be the same again.

The Patna City will be never be the same again.

My sister’s life (and mine and my whole family’s life as well) will never be the same again.

It is indeed the dawn of a new era.

And adding cherries on the top is this year…

This year; Oh! It has been a mother of changes! And not just this year, my whole college life (so far) has been dynamic in a way I had never imagined it to be. Of course, I had dreamed of a huge, humungous group of cool kids that I would hang out with. A trip every weekend or every month. Party every night. Amazing hostel life. Countless love affairs. (Oh! why not confess it?) And even with all that I would somehow, be a good student with a future (as bright as sun) as a good engineer.

None of that shit happened.

None of that shit is going to happen.

What happened instead was something I could have never seen coming.

People changed, Circumstances changed, Thoughts changed, Dreams changed, Beliefs changed.

And I never got to be cool.

I never got to be smart.

I never got to be a hero. (I never wanted to anyway)

I never got to be a bitch. (I badly wanted to be a bitch. Being bad is so cool!)

I never got to be what I wanted to be.

But what I got to be is someone whom I had never imagined before;

Me.

Who would have thought?

Ask the 5 year old me about how I see my life fifteen years later and you will know the difference.

And that five year old me is sitting right next to me asking- Who are you?

They are not kidding when they say that college is all about discovering yourself. Three years and I already do not recognize myself.

I have finally discovered it.

I have been too busy screaming sitting on the roller-coaster rides to realize that what I have wanted all along is something quite different from what I wanted myself to want. Who would have thought?

And that is why a new era has begun.

An era wherein I am not somebody’s daughter, not somebody’s sister, not somebody’s student, not somebody’s friend, not somebody’s “utopian vision” but me.

But me.

I hear some of my friends telling me their amazing tales of their awesome happening college life. Until now I was envious as I had found mine quite boring and dull and undesired. But not anymore. My life is not stagnant. It’s always changing.

It’s ALWAYS changing.

I have wasted too much of time not realizing that.

So, here comes a new sun. A sun filled with hope, with new dreams and a new life.

And a new era dawns in my life.

If you have been traveling pretty much the same path as mine then I suggest that you stop now and look back. I hope you will see the things that I have seen.

I hope you see the five year old you standing there barely recognizing you.

Talk to him. Listen to him and you will know the difference.

 

Anyhow, I was finally in Surat I guess. And the Patna chronicles, hereby, ends.

Of course, there should a special edition covering my sister’s wedding out pretty soon. But I can’t say. I don’t usually get to know the stuff I am going to write about until I am writing it. And when occasionally I do, I don’t write it at all.

So, would I really be writing the tale of my sister’s wedding?

We will find out later.

Anyway, back at the topic of my return journey.

The term battle is undoubtedly a little exaggerated for that but traveling such long distances in India is indeed a very painful task.

And it might not be a battle but it is close enough. Therefore, when we finally reached home I did find my inner peace.

Of course, it got lost again pretty soon.

But it was good to be back home.

It is good to be back home.

Though it is a completely different story that now I am pushed into another battle ground but I think that’s just life and the point is -this story has come to an end.

The conclusion being; my vacation has been quite memorable. How about yours?

Signing off,

Theturquoiseink

 

my life, Poetry

Remember! Remember the bricks & walls!

When you change your home after living there for seventeen (or more) years, you feel like you are changing your identity. And even if it’s a rickety house ready to fall with one breath it still holds a special place in your heart. Can you really forget the place where you spent your entire childhood? One cannot just erase the memories of one’s best phase of life. That phase of life which was full of innocence and love, where making mistakes was not a horrifying experience but a way of growing up, a way of learning things. It still is but once you grow up you have this pride and then of course, there is this ridiculously high price to pay for every mistake you make. You learn ,no doubt, but only after a heart imprinting consequence. I miss my childhood. I miss every minute (that I can recall) I spent in that house. I miss being a kid.

Can I really forget the way sparrows, and mynah, and parrots used to pay us a visit by the window. And every time they would visit we would provide them with refreshments. I am going to miss watching them eat, sing and making nests. Could I really forget the way I used to gaze at the river and the bridge from my terrace, sit at the tank just to feel for a second that I was on the top of the world. Could I really forget the troubles we would take just to pluck some fresh black berries from the trees that were around our house? Can I ever forget the times I have played at those stair cases with so many different people? Can I ever forget all the pre-Holi celebrations that went on my terrace? Can I really forget those rooms in which I have played so many games with my siblings; monopoly, cards, dumb charades, hide and seek and a lot& lot more (I don’t even know what they are called. We would just make something up and play) Now, all of us have grown up. My eldest sister is getting married! So much change in one single year! It’s not fair! I am breaking away some strings and it hurts.

I feel Iike I owe everything to that house; my identity, my memories, my everything. It is not fair!

I am excited for making a fresh start. But there is a basic human tendency; we find it a little hard to let go.

But okay on the positive side… I am excited as hell.

This is a new beginning for a final impending end.

Remember! Remember!  These bricks and walls,

These trees and birds and ground so vast,

Remember this end, this final good bye,

Oh! These little miserable things of past!

Remember!  Remember! This old yellow paint,

These toys, these clothes and the gray cupboard..

Those November that went by seventeen times,

Oh! This long little sad winding road!

Remember! Remember that kid who grew up!

Weird little creature lost among this little world and the sky,

Remember these gates that had meant an end to her,

Are bidding today a final inevitable good bye..

Remember! Remember the one who couldn’t come back!

And those tiny little angels no longer nearby,

Remember that pain, that sad long time,

All now lost in this deep long sigh..

Remember the leaves, once seen through the window,

Remember the chirping tiny little sparrows,

Remember the talking plants in the pots,

And the squirrels running, too agile to be caught,

Remember those fights, remember those cries,

Remember that laughter which was always nearby,

Remember the moon and the big lantern..

Shining across the earth and all over the sky,

Remember the yellowed pages and the books so old,

Look at them now before they are gone and sold,

Remember the lights and the sounds of merriment,

Bon fire, colored sand and the smell of the sweets,

All with you! All with you!

Everything in her life takes her back to you.

Learning to write, learning to read,

Learning to draw and to sing and to dance,

All with you and all these things….

Comes to an end with one last glance.

IMG_2307 IMG_2309 IMG_2340 IMG_2353 IMG_2415 IMG_2375 IMG_2452 IMG_2418

Well, so yes, it is very difficult to change your home but not just because memories begin to haunt you. You are quite prepared for that. What you are not prepared for is; the decluttering part prior to final shifting.

Oh! I tell you. Dude, that is not fair either.