Melancholy nights

Melancholy nights
Reminding you of
failed love affairs
embarrassing mistakes
futile struggles of life
the meaninglessness
the blues
and the greys
everything that shouldn’t return
coming back –
memories that can’t be made again
people you can’t meet again
roads that cannot be taken
things that you shouldn’t have done
words that you shouldn’t have said
wiser choices that you could have made, but you didn’t.

Melancholy nights
when the moon peeks from the formless clouds
stars blink through the mist and dust
when the streets go quiet
and the crickets come alive
when there’s no one in the room
but you
and just you.
Are your cheeks already wet?
Are you already missing the life that you never really had?
Dreams that were never going to come true?
Through ashes and smoke
Through spirits and songs
The world runs and runs
And in this melancholic night
you are left alone.

Bonjour

My eyes flick open again,
Just as the sun wakes up,
Just when the moon falls asleep,
Too cold to step outside the blanket
Too late not to.
I gaze outside, tad bit drowsy,
tad bit curious,
tad bit joyous,
tad bit furious.
The buildings display quite an opposite effect of sunlight on them,
Reverse tanning, to be precise,
I can’t possibly count the shades of green I see,
I can’t possibly count the kinds of flowers,
The kinds of bees,
The kinds of buzz,
The kinds of me.
What’s wrong?
It’s too early.
So what?
I can’t sleep.
How come?
I can’t sleep.
What’d you do?
I can’t sleep.
Why’s that?
Maybe,
Maybe these days I am dreaming with my eyes wide open.

*

 

Dead lives,

Dead lives, dead leaves,
Scattered across the grey streets,
On a soulless journey to nowhere or everywhere
with the winds sweeping them onto different destinations
With the time decaying them back into life;
Just so they could fall lifeless once again.
What do you hope to find in this circular maze?
How are you different from other carbon corpses?
Dead eyes, dead voice,
After all, a beating heart was never your choice!
Like the stones, like the deepest ocean bed,
You are silently waiting for the end ahead.
Hush!Hush!Hush!
Don’t think it too loud!
Hush!Hush!Hush!
The stars might overhear!
Time might end today or after infinity,
But the blood must continue running stale in your veins
The thoughts must wander lost always.
Dead leaves, dead lives,
sleeping indifferently on the streets at nights.
Make sure there’s never anything to see
Make sure that the eyes are always wide shut
For if they blink open, if they ever do,
It will all come fiercely rushing through,
in all its unfairness,
tearing apart your blissfully protective wall of indifference-
The storming life,
The warrior love,
valiantly destroying your ignorant existence,
Your living death.

***

That Bastard hope!

Hope isn’t a friend, my friend;
Even the popular norms can be misleading.
Hope isn’t the guy you can trust;
Sometimes, even strangers are less deluding.
Sure hope can gift you blissful dreams;
Dreams which are capable of making your hearts flutter with joy,
Shooing away all the things that might have got you annoyed
He would take you to a faraway destination –
On which you would do all kinds of investigation
For, of course, you will make that journey one day,
That one day won’t be tomorrow,
That one day won’t even be the day after tomorrow,
That one day!
That one day will be someday,
An abstract thing,
A floating entity not willing to be quantified as a date
And to be brought down into the ugliness of calendars at any rate!
But we don’t have to know this, yes.
Though even with this ignorance, don’t you dare transform that day into today
Hope won’t take it.
This very act jeopardizes the purpose of his existence,
So, he will put up with all forms of resistance,
Gaining the shape of its alter ego
Suddenly, he will transform into his apprehensive self—
What if? What if? What if?

Hope will always project an ideal parallel future,
ready to be touched but never intending to intersect;
When the limit tends to zero there would always be something to interject,
So, let your dreams thrive in the islands far far away,
Either they be tomorrows of tomorrows,
Or simply yesterdays,
Hope is a kind bastard,
who doesn’t mean you any harm, of course.
A guy a bit too concerned
who wants to protect you from remorse.
But don’t let him take control
After all what matters the most is his greatest fear—
Today.
Oh hope! It will be okay!
Frankly, I am pretty scared of your hazardous affection
Hope, you can’t always keep looking for acceptance
When you know what necessary part of life are rejections,
So, don’t leave me here in the midway-
when you have got me half dreamy but dangerously short of motivation
Be the chain reaction to my actions;
I don’t want your presence through scattered fractions,
Be honest hope! Be persistent!
If I give up, be insistent!
If I try, be an assistant!
If I fuck up, be resistant!
If I am bogged down lift me up,
Hold my hand through each hiccup,
Be real,
Not surreal,
I don’t need you as evasion,
Or some repeated persuasion,
Don’t function as a pill meant to abate,
I just need you as a mate!
But these aren’t in his basic nature,
For hope is a funny creature!
Known for his abrupt endings,
‘Hopeless’ is his second nomenclature
And so, you can only hope that he stays till the end.
Because yes, hope isn’t always a friend, my friend.

***

O Heart!

Heart

My dreams are too heavy
My will isn’t strong enough to hold that weight
Let me take that baggage off my shoulders
My struggle to breath is tiresome
Let me go back to the oceans before I die,
I am the trapped fish in an imaginary net
I know it’s not a good idea;
My gills sometimes malfunction
They long for the undissolved air when I swim
My lungs overestimate their capabilities
They long for the turquoise blue when I feel the sand under my toes
How heart, do you manage to be so lovingly deceitful?
Under the cover of your pretentious dumbness
You’ve still somehow got the smart brain in your grasp
How heart, do you manage to be so foolishly clever?

My dreams are too heavy
They gift me wings
And slowly clip them away
I guess I should appreciate the weightlessness then
But my imagination spreads with a combination of black and white
Not gray! Never the gray!
Never mind the circumstances
They can be different but they won’t be good.
Let me oscillate between these two areas –
A moment ago, I swear I couldn’t have been more proud!
But now self-abhorrence washes over me
How heart, do you manage to be so sweetly cruel?
What’s the reason behind your deception?
Your prolonged dissatisfaction?
Moving up the pyramid of desires,
Is there any end to your doomed existence?
To your search for meaning?
No! Heart, don’t throw those occasional rays of hope again!
I know there aren’t any better tomorrows
There will always be some codes to decipher of another realm altogether
How do you manage to be such an honest liar, heart?

So, yes, my dreams are heavy!
My will isn’t strong enough to hold that weight
Or easily accept the decisions of fate
If you hadn’t been so difficult to live without
I would have asked someone else to pump the blood, I swear
But how heart, do you manage to be so dispensably indispensable?
And probably the worst decisions of the history or the present or the future
Have been, are being and will be taken by you
And yet I can’t stop myself from floating along your crazy impulses
You should have never been allowed to lead
Or voted to such high position at all
I guess that’s where sometimes democracy falls
At its very foundation
But never mind this politics, you are mesmerizing!
How heart, do you manage to be such pathetic and yet popular leader?

My dreams are heavy but I will carry them along till I am crushed or something
If they feel like cotton, I will ensure that I take a dip in the river
On your stupid orders, heart, on your stupid orders!
I would trade my peace with ambition
Simplicity with complex imagination
My rationality with irrational bouts of rapture
You have a cruel sense of humor
I regret it now that I ignored this rumor.
They said that you would be fun
Ah! What an ugly pun!
I want to rebel against you, heart.
But there’s no way to escape your hypnotic grasp
Or my obsession without any lethal withdrawal syndrome
God, you are such an asshole!
How, heart do you manage to be so attractively ugly?
So repulsive that it’s hard not be in love with you.

***

Why I will never dream…

I will never leave the comforts of present ,
Or the wise learnings of my luxurious past,

Just to embrace the unknowns and variables of future,
I will never accept the possibilities aghast!

Finding several reasons, suggestions, advice based on experience,
I will analyze and over analyze, all the permutations & combinations,
To and fro, meandering , my thoughts running in circles…
Some casting a dreamy light at zenith, and many pointing to awful abominations.

Resisting, demanding, refuting, commanding,
I will never settle for being just another ordinary,
Nevertheless, don’t expect me to take the steps that lead to the opposite..
Neither dare you tell me that nothing will make me extraordinary!

I will be secretly aware but don’t bring it up,
My deceptive hopes and daydreams will always cover up,
I am content looking at the surroundings, camouflaging immediately,
hiding, adapting, crawling and smiling idiotly,
My retribution – Being just another brick in the wall…
And never accepting the same or living happily at all!
Shush! It’s a secret – let me put up a radiant smile,
If I go on about this publicly, I would be declared whiny and vile!
So let me crack some jokes, make merry, be a little vain,
And please, let me raise the toast to my blatant latent pain.

A happy ending

image

I feel like a child sometimes. My hand is held by my fate who happens to be my loving guide and we walk along this beautiful monotonous road that I love so much that I loathe it. I am easily distracted by the things that pass by our journey. And why wouldn’t I be? Grass is so green all around me and the road is so dull! So, I try being stubborn and all -putting forward my desires to leave the road and take a detour among the greener sides. Fate says no. I insist. Fate says no again. I throw some tantrums. Fate is tired  and so she says – Okay go ahead, explore.

I am delighted! My heart is elated! I hurriedly let go of her hand and begin to run towards the unexplored woods, my feet touch the green grass, my hands are not held and I am free to run! To dance! To go anywhere I want! It’s amazing! And it is finally happening to me!And it is at this thought that I stop and look back at her.

Pause.

Play.

I start to walk into the woods again reminding myself that this is what I ever wanted!

Pause.

Play.

And then for no reason or for those reasons that I am not ready to accept just yet I stop and look back again.

Pause.

Play.

Fate smiles; she knows what’s about to happen. I turn my head towards the woods again, I look at it so lovingly – “I am almost there!”

Stop.

And then I give a sigh and trace my way back to the road. I hold her hands again and we begin to walk.

I tell myself that grapes are sour. I tell myself that the day wasn’t right. I console myself – Maybe tomorrow. Fate senses my sorrow, being the encouraging person she is, she assures me how beautiful the road is going to be. The trueness in her eyes is not deceptive, the dumbness in my perception is just appropriately clandestine ; I am convinced it’s for the best and hence we walk again.

We are walking again, walking again through the road that I loathe so much that I love it.

It’s a happy ending. My happy ending.

Claustrophobia

Author’s stupid note ( or rather a trailer of what the poem that follows below is all about) :

There’s a line in Kane and Abel (the famous novel by Jefferey Archer) that I find really interesting; Sometimes it’s an advantage to be disadvantaged.
So,does this line also imply that sometimes it’s a disadvantage to be advantaged?

My answer:-

My six by six feet life,
the lines I wouldn’t cross,
the space confined by the mirrors…
dripping with advantages,
I wonder if I even deserve it, I wail at it’s irrelevance,
Sometimes I am envious of a heart with a hole, or a dysfunctional brain;
Such a shame is this perfect life, such a waste is it’s existence!

Guilt engulfs me in its suffocating arms, these foolish foolish words…
“Take that back! Take that back!” its voice resonates unheard.

My six by six feet life,
a blade or hammer or a knife,
An odd series of optimistic roles are assigned here,
Especially with the cynic voice complaining inside,
I guess I can rip myself out of this beloved trap,
maybe break myself through,
Sometimes I am glad that I am mortal, for immortality is a curse…
You will breath and breath and breath and one day you will want yourself to submerge!

Guilt engulfs me in its suffocating arms, these foolish foolish words…
“Take that back! Take that back!” its voice resonates unheard.

My six by six feet life;
The air inside is toxic,
the nerve is less and dreams are big
And most of the time, I am cursing the bricks…
What else to do I am hitting them all,
Again and again… never wanting to cease,
Blast!
At last,the walls explode!
Finding sudden enthusiasm and a hope for freedom,
I fly away, every piece of mine runs in different dimensions,
It’s all fallen down, the voice has fallen mute,
Peace and calmness,
Happiness and hues,
And along comes running the same old blues…

Here’s my new six by six feet life,
Such a shame is this depressing world…

“Take that back! Take that back!” the voice resonates unheard.

The Orange Sky

Time has come and the time has gone,
Another sun will rise with another dawn,
All I have now are the traces of the missing star,
An unknowingly discontented heart or an unacknowledged scar,
Oh! If I could just know the reason why or just the meaning of I,
As if listening, “Why bother?” whispers the lovely orange sky.
 
So, maybe I am laughing I cannot really see,
Or maybe it’s alright, I cannot really feel,
Anyhow I look forward to another misplaced sun,
Another beautiful day and another misleading run,
Maybe the night shall make me tough, and hope will keep me high,
And then, as if listening, “Why bother?” whispers the lovely orange sky.
 
So now I finally listen, I melt into the beautiful hues,
Lost or Found? I don’t really have many clues,
Few tears escape my eyes as if they have committed treason,
Is it the dying day or the dream? I don’t really know the reason.
Few more fall as the colors fade and as the last traces of light die,
And then, as if listening,” Why bother?” whispers the lovely orange sky.

 

The rat race

Just a little something I wrote when I was not supposed to.

So, the rat went on this trail that was open, wide and broad,
Running and running, he chased all those who were aboard,
He ran and he sped, he left more and more behind,
And among all the cheers spent on him, his own he couldn’t find.
But following other rats was in fact perfectly fine.
His proud parents, his envious friends- How could he ever mind!
So, he ran anyway, his stars were aligned,
So what if his life was something that he never got to define!

Above is just an excerpt, you can read the whole poem at  http://penumbramag.com/the-rat-race/