My newest hobby
is to look for jobs on LinkedIn
and study the job descriptions
like textbooks.
And then wonder even after decades of learning
there’s so much
that I need to learn.
And what I need to learn
is not necessarily what I want to learn
but I have to learn it
to be ‘employable’.

My newest idea for fun
is to apply to these jobs right away
(unless they ask for cover letters)
(or direct me to a new website to build yet another profile)
and even when I don’t fit
I apply
and even when I know
that most probably they won’t reply
I apply
to see how much my confidence can take it.

It’s not like I don’t have a job,
I do.
It’s not like I particularly despise it,
I don’t.
But sometimes I do
like at some point we all do
but it’s not bad
it’s great
there are definitely some good parts
and I can be loyal
because employers expect loyalty
but employees expect an appraisal
some acknowledgement,
a bit of appreciation
but these days apparently we all expect too much.

Probably, my future job will be like this too
but at least it would be new
for a while
and maybe I may not like it
but my salary, they would hike it
and I guess I would like that
and the ton of responsibility that will come with that.
At least I hope I won’t be frustrated or bored
there’ll be new people to frustrate and bore.
Also, there’ll be more experience onboard
to apply for better jobs
and get a better pay
so that I could pay better taxes
and work more
and manage more
until my work-life balance is completely annihilated.

So then I think
I should start something of my own
and instead of 9 to 5
I should work all the time
anyway I work all the time
at least I can pay myself better
if at all I get the clients
to pay me,
if at all I get skilled employees
who can work for me
with all honesty and dedication
whom I can pay less
while writing big fat cheques
to myself
and buy a bungalow at the seaside
or in the mountains
or at the moon
and finally, finally live in peace
and try not to worry
about my business not generating enough revenue
or my business not getting sold
or employees whom I may have trained and guided
leaving me for better opportunities
or clients going for better deals
and I am left feeling betrayed
if at all
the business runs at all.

Is there any optimistic ending
at any end?
My inbox is filled with rejections
and I am too busy to feel dejection
and too scared to start anything of my own
or stick to it if I do.
So I am scrolling and scrolling
not the reels
but the LinkedIn
again,
wondering
amidst all the stories of success that I am seeing
where is my life going?
Wondering
what the fucking hell!
These days
nothing rings a bell!
When I was younger there was a dream
but now I am getting older
and it seems
there’s always a movie I want to stream
because the real world is depressing.

But I need to do my job
a good job
the good job
to feel valued
to feel relevant
and finally feel exploited.
All I wanted was some money to pay off my loan
travel around
create art
eat, live, and invest
and have fun while doing it.
And that if and when I am old
I can chill, I can rest
at last
but apparently, that’s not enough.
Apparently, that’s not even possible.

Where are these roads going
the time is passing
a month, a year, a decade…
What was it supposed to be like
to live an ideal life?
Is there an ideal life?
Can I just die and never be born again?
And sound less depressing when I say that?
Oh wait,
even for that apparently
I need to meditate the entire existence out of myself
and burn all the karmic connections I have had
not just in this birth
but all the births I have ever had.
Can I do that by watching some memes instead?
I can volunteer to travel to the mountains though.
Oh wait, for that too I need money.
And more importantly, I need leaves.

I am okay, I am fine,
in case anyone at all is asking
I am not generally this pessimistic
in case anyone is judging.
It’s just that
everything is a box
and everything is a square
and life keeps on running in a circle.
I am someplace
somewhere a dot
flung far away in the Universe
looking for a job that suits me
looking for a me that suits the job
Perhaps I will find it
and later complain about it-
for nothing good is permanently good
and everything good can be better.
Meanwhile,
the Universe doesn’t give a damn.
Or perhaps it does
if I may
Just overestimate my importance a little.

So now I am on Linkedin again
Updating a new post
to be visible
to be viral
to be famous
And then do what?
Post new posts
because fame has to be maintained,
even fame is a job.
Anyway there’s nothing much I can do with it
except losing whatever little privacy I have
and get free food at the restaurants perhaps
for sharing stories
and get free trolling in case I run out of unnecessary attention.
Do we have any better purpose?
Does anyone else feel we must have something more
something?
anything more?
No? Are you sure?

Maybe I should try
being satisfied with what I have,
find a new hobby
try yoga for instance,
or return to the old ones
poetry for instance
poetry which is not explosive
poetry about monsoon
about love
poetry about all the good things
all the good little fake things.
Will anyone judge me for this?
My potential employers,
My current employers,
My ex-employers,
Should I be scared?
for being honest
for letting my thoughts out unfiltered
for demanding more
for needing more
for wanting a better life
for me
and for all
am I too naive?
am I too greedy?
am I just too stupid?

What do you think?
Would you let me know in the comments?
Followed by some hashtags-
gestures of how you like this
and how you care
and still, there’s nothing you can do
to address my despair?
Or yours.
Except clicking a small little button?
Because maybe you too believe
you are just too ungrateful
for wanting to be unique
and special
and yet blend in the crowd
for wanting to be you
and not wanting to change that
for wanting to get what you deserve
for wanting a perfect life
and yet failing to achieve that
despite all the 90 percentages and percentiles,
all the fancy institutes
all the fancy companies
government or private
all the fancy skills,
and the certificates,
and the experiences,
and the motivational books, and the videos, and the success stories?
They will tell you one way or the other
that nope
you don’t deserve it.

“You are too average.”

But what about the heart that refuses to believe that?
What about the heart that yearns to be different?
That yearns to make a difference?
That heart tells me not to think about all this
That heart tells me to keep trying
keep hoping
keep making
mistakes after mistakes
until I can say
that they were mistaken.
Perhaps someday
they will be proven wrong,
Perhaps one day
it won’t matter anyway.

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